In 2017, several years after her first suicide attempt, Rebolini became so tormented by a desire to die that she checked herself into a psychiatric ward. In the years since that stay, she has performed sweeping literary, sociological, historical, and psychological research on the topic of suicidality, in an “effort to stake a claim in a conversation dominated by fear and disgust.” Rebolini has been depressed or suicidal most of her life and comes from a “family replete with mental illness”; her own extreme lows mix with those of her brother, Jordan, and other close friends to grant personal shape to a broader inquiry into not only what prompts individuals to engage the extremity of suicide, but also what constitutes recovery from a suicide attempt. Even as the author advances professionally, and achieves other lifelong dreams like marriage and motherhood, the possibility of suicide never disappears, and even the highs of career and family successes necessitate a certain contemplative navigation. She extrapolates from her own financial stress and career ambitions to critique modern stressors like expectations of productivity and barriers to mental health care, and literary figures like Sylvia Plath and David Foster Wallace offer both general lessons and notches against which to measure the severity of her own experience. Rebolini admits that suicide is “tough to talk about because so much of it doesn’t make sense” and that normalizing suicidal thoughts and acts carries a risk. She insists, however, on trying to walk this careful line, and her effort counters the shame of those trying to dodge a persistent desire to not exist, while extending compassionate understanding of and gentle guidance to all those who care for and worry about loved ones struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
